Reopening Reluctance

I’m experiencing some serious cognitive dissonance over the world opening up again.  WHY are we doing this?  The virus continues to rage! I’m still six weeks away from being vaccinated, but I’ve talked to people who are fully vaccinated and still feel this lack of ease. 

I thought the end of the pandemic would be going out to breakfast in flowy Spring dresses.  Instead, it feels like a lot of piecemeal, stressed out: “How do we function with half the friends/family vaccinated and the other half not?” and “ I don’t feel safe yet, why am I doing this?”   

The issue at the heart of the matter, for me:  Okay, we have a vaccine that deals with the potential for infection, but what are you giving me to deal with the 13 months of global trauma? It’s ass-stupid to think that a couple shots and we’re all going to be fully functioning members of society again.  Even if it’s not a matter of PTSD, we’ve all had a lot of time to think and feel and possibly reassess our lives. Those insights do not evaporate once the bars are open and your boss expects you to show up in person.    

 I feel defensive.  Like, I survived the past year, there’s no way I’m going back to “business as usual” (whatever that is).  It’s a new world.  Internally and externally.  And yet, that doesn’t mean I’m gung ho to get moving in it.  Also, for all my new found convictions, I’m afraid of losing them as soon as I start shopping for fun again.  I don’t want to do that.  

On paper, my behaviour didn’t change all that much during the pandemic.  I worked from home and watched a lot of TV.  Sure, there was a lot more anxiety and scrambling for toilet paper (remember that?), but if anything, I was way more sociable due to having my parents in house, reconnecting with old friends via text message and Zoom, and joining a lot of online groups.  In terms of actually going out there and getting rowdy?  I just don’t know.  Where would I go?  Seriously--I didn’t go anywhere before. So what’s the big difference between pre-COVID, during COVID, and now?  NOTHING, except that there is still a deadly virus in circulation and plenty of post traumatic stress to go around.

All the more reason to stay home (or wherever your nervous system registers the most amount of safety).  And strengthen your support system.  Of course, get vaccinated!  But once you do, don’t think that means you have to do anything you don’t want to do.  If it feels like there’s external pressure to do so, assess what is essential/non-negotiable, and discard the rest.  Like I said, surviving the past year gives us the right to set our own boundaries and take care of ourselves in a way we didn’t before.  It also compels us, from a position of safety and regulation, to help anyone who really doesn’t have the power to set boundaries and take care of themselves.        

Anyway, this is just to say, if you’re feeling the dissonance too, you’re not alone.  Don’t dismiss the lingering emotional effects.  This world/culture loves to suck it up and move on.  But your body will tell you if that’s not what you need. Make space for yourself and others to be where you are, not where someone else tells you to be.